Timing

One of the most valuable lessons that I've learnt from my relationship with Bii was how "timing" plays an important role in all relationships.

Let's make it simple for now and look at it from a "straight" point of view.

I have been in quite some relationships myself. I've dated/chased after girls when I was back in high school since the age of 15. (Don't judge me, I was just going with the flow without thinking too much of the gay thing) I've had 3 girlfriends myself; first one at the age of 15, the other two came later during my final year in high school (17). 

As "straight" as it was, all these relationships didn't work out well. Why, if you ask me; it wasn't really because I'm gay, its timing. I wasn't even aware that I was gay back then, most of the problems came from both parties since we were young and immature. The concept of Love was new and fresh to us; it was shallow but still sweet at times. 

Most people associate timing with age, while in my opinion it is not as simple as that. Sure, if the age gap of both parties aren't huge (+/- 3 years), there's a good chance that the couple fall under a good timing for a healthy relationship. Since they are of similar age, they would be doing something similar. At the age of 15, you play; at the age of 18, you experiment; at the age of 22, you take things more seriously and when you are near 30, its time to find a partner and settle down quietly. I guess you could see it already, the key principle of timing isn't age, and it’s actually the goals or mind set of that individual at that particular time.

Its quite lucky for the norms. The timing can be defined easily based on how you want your future to be. I would use hetero females as an example since that's as difficult as it can get for the straight couples. We are in the 20th century now where ladies are more capable, intelligent and independent compared to the females from the 1960s. Many prioritize their career path now instead of being a family lady. Nowadays, you often hear woman in their early twenties say "Oh hell no, who wants to get married like, now?", "Do Not Propose To Me Now, try that again in 5 years" *Cue EyeRoll*. 

While they refuse to get attached attached (Yes, 2 times), they are aware that they are on a time bomb. Those lumps are going to sag, what was up will slowly drop down and worst still, the one that "comes visit" every month might decide not to visit anymore. All these can be the base design factor for them to work out their Timing.

If you want 2 kids and want to avoid a Down syndrome baby, 35 years old will be the best bet. 2 babies, with a gap of 2 years in between means you have to get pregnant at 31 latest. If you want 2 years of honeymoon with the Hubby, you have to get married around 29. Of course, you need to get to know your boyfie enough before you get married to him, let’s put a solid 2 years to that, 27 is the age where you need to find your Mr. Right. We are now left with the nit-picking, broken heart, single times, douchebags, rebound dudes, which I shall put down another 3 years for that. TADA! Ladies, you should actually start focusing on meeting your first douche bag at the age of 24, provided that you want 2 healthy babies down the road. There, Timing, all planned out based on some simple mathematics and brief assumption.

For straight males, it’s far too simple. The moment you think you are okay with fucking the same lady for the rest of your life, propose to her. Screw economics, ladies are capable nowadays.

When you put "gay" as a factor in the game, things get pretty messed up. We gay people live 2 lives, a normal one (friends, studies, work, economics) and also a gay one (self-acceptance, coming out, gay friends, finding a right guy, commitment). 

Bii and I are completely out of sync timing wise (Even though we are both of the same age). If we were to look at the norm part of life, I'm at the phase where I put my head into my career; spending most of my time going to, from and in office. I need a partner to spend time with when I'm off work, since there aren't a lot of friends available (busy with their own life or not around) and I'm not the kind of person that loves to hang out with colleagues after working hours. Bii on the other hand just went back to college after working for a year. He's hanging around a bunch of 18~19s, dealing with slacky morning time tables while cracking his head for assignments at night. You should be able to tell that when one of us is free, the other is busy. It's really hard and exhausting for us to make time for each other due to our responsibilities. 

The "gay" factor joins in after. While I'm at the phase of "Oh, Hi! I'm Gay!” Bii is still relatively new to the gay concept and is still struggling with coming out. While I'm ready to settle down after years of texts and dates with random gay dudes, Bii is still relatively new to the market, enjoying his ego boost from time to time (He has the body that makes gay guys drool all over him) He's like a teenager in gay years, he still wants to know more people, flirt with more people, play around, test his market and flex damn muscles in other dudes' face. In short, it just means that I'm ready for a committed relationship but he's nowhere near that phase.

I can tell you from my experience that it’s super exhausting when you are struggling with timing. On my end, I have to constantly slow my pace down and drag Bii so he doesn't fall too far behind while on the other hand, Bii needs to keep running so he doesn't lose sight of me. The exhaustion tires out not only the person involved but also the relationship, breaking it apart. 

What to do? You can't force a person to match your life goals, nor can you alter yours to fit your partner's. So, what's my solution to this problem? 

Wait, Patience and Perseverance. 

Give it time, your life goals didn't sync up now but one day, he's going to be tired of mass-flirting just like you did. He might get hurt, exhausted or even trampled while he's getting through those life phases that you've went through. There will be a day where he's going to want a commitment with someone special too, it’s just not now. Give it time as the day will come where all he wants is to go to the person that gave him the most comfort, to settle down and be loved for the rest of his life. 

It is a huge risk to hold on to a relationship like this, there's too many uncertainties that might happen in the future. People change, feelings change, perspective of life changes over time and there is no guarantee that your life goals will ever sync up. But don’t fret just yet, if you are sure that he's your Mr. right and he's worth the wait; stay there for him, watch him grow and give him a hand when he falls.

I shall end this blog post quoting Sean Lau,

Meeting the right one at the right time ends in Bliss

Meeting the wrong one at the right time ends in Sadness

Meeting the wrong one at the wrong time ends in Mayhem

Meeting the right one at the wrong time ends in A Long Sigh.

Good Luck

JS