Letting Go

I have been struggling with the concept of moving on for about 2 months now. However, some things had happened recently and I finally have the courage to start marching forward and leave the swamp of sorrow.

Everyone deals with moving on differently. I have friends that can handle a bad relationship in days, some do it in weeks, months and some of my friends are still struggling from moving on even after years since their past relationship.

There is no need for me to tell you that dwelling in a lost relationship causes great pain; I myself suffered from insomnia, eating disorder, emotional breakdown, anxiety and also depression (the kind that needs medication). Despite those side effects of love, I consider myself very lucky. I have the supports from my friends & family during the hard times; medications numb my emotions, enabling me to perform at work and interviews; Bii on the other hand gave me all the time I needed to slowly phase out from the past, while also providing me with help and care along the way.

Enough about me, let’s talk about “Moving On” now. I used to see the phrase moving on as stop loving.

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.

The lyrics say it all. Stop letting the feelings in; conceal them, don’t let the others know; let it go, let it go. In other words, moving on simply means don’t think about that person anymore, stop loving him/her; forget about the past and work on a better future.

I did well moving on from my past relationships but not this one. I’ve tried, many, many times to put a stop on it just to end my misery but all my efforts backfired. Every time I stop contacting him, I check his social media twice as often; I’ve tried making myself busy at work to stop thinking about bii but all the thoughts that were put on hold crashes back into my brain the moment I put my work down. I can never block his contact for more than 24 hours because I will miss him like crazy, end up unblocking him then text him back in desperation. These were the reasons why I'd rather dwell in a lost relationship than forget about him and move on.

“Can you please just STOP HURTING ME!”

My BFF (Ling) texted me that when I was telling her one of my sad stories. Every word from that sentence hit me hard. It made me realise that I wasn’t the only victim that’s hurting from all the dwelling. My friends, my best friend, my family and Bii were also suffering from my misery. That made me realise that I can’t let this shit go any longer, but how? I was nowhere ready to give up what I have; the memories, the good times, the kisses, the morning and night greetings, etc…

Moving On =/= Stop Loving

Love is not exclusive; everyone is capable of loving more than one person. I am not asking you to be a mega-flirt or cheat on your spouse, it’s just that I realised that love doesn’t disappear once it really happens; it just changes its form over time to suit the situation.

I have changed my definition of moving on from “stop loving” to “giving myself a second chance” and things got a lot easier since then. Moving on doesn’t mean that I need to give up what I had with Bii, I can still keep the memories, reminisce and still love him, but not in the way like how we practiced it before. I just need to tone down my love for him and give him the care and love like how I treat my other friends and Ex-es. Loving a new guy that comes into my life doesn’t mean I have to stop loving Bii either. Yes, you CAN and you DO love multiple people in your life (Parents, friends, Ex-es). If you were to ask me “Why would anyone wants to be your boyfriend since you love everybody?” The answer is simply because my special guy will have my lifelong loyalty, commitment and tons of love that nobody else is going to get.

Fear

The more we love, the more we fear. Fear is the one thing that we need to overcome in order to move on.

The fear of losing the loved one, the fear of rejection, the fear of letting people down, the fear of not finding love anymore, the fear of being alone… These fears limit our sight and our ability to see into the future. There was a period in my life when I was constantly in fear of losing Bii that I don’t even want to think or plan for tomorrow.  I lived everyday as it is, enjoying the moment while it lasts and refused to think about the future.

The scariest part of fear is that it takes faith, hope, dreams and expectations away from our life. While living the moment sounds like a legit motto for life, it is also an excuse for people to be lazy, avoid necessary planning while destroying hopes, dreams, ambitions and also the future.

Good Bye

Do not be afraid to say Good Bye. Good Bye doesn’t only mean the end; it is also a step that everyone has to go through before the next Hello comes by. End your current misery fashionably so you can welcome the next “Hello” into your life.

Will I find a better guy in the future? Will my next hello be The One? Will Bii live happily without me?

I really don’t know, but I do know that if I don’t say good bye to Bii now, I am going to miss out on a lot of “Hello”s in my life and so I’ve finally decided to let go, have faith and hope for a better future for me and him both.

Hey, Bii might even come and say “Hellooooo” in the future, who knows?

Good Bye Bii, Hello Me

Good Luck

Js