Depression

This is definitely not an easy topic for me to talk about since it requires me to go through the negative emotions again but I think sharing my experience here might help some of the people out there. Before I start, please take some time and view these comic strips. (Click to enlarge)

It Gets Better

Credit: < https://www.facebook.com/morefmnz/posts/10153226324614251 >

I stumbled upon this Facebook post and it gave me a huge impact. Depression is a very serious matter and a lot of people overlook how lethal depression is. Self-hurt, self-hate and suicides all started from depression. The deadliest part of depression is how it creeps silently into your life without you realizing it, destroying you as a whole if you choose to hide or ignore it.

Depression can be caused by many things like diseases, smoking, poor sleeping habits, bully, trauma, fear, loneliness, bad relationship, dark secrets or even realising certain TV shows/Movies aren’t real (Harry Potter/Avatar/X-Men/Pokémon). You might take that lightly but many tends to find an escape from real life problems by indulging in the fantasy world of movie/series.

A little background of my story, I’ve just went through a terrible break up July this year. It was a very hard time for me unlike the other times because I felt very, very lonely on top of other stresses. Depression hits me eventually, I was barely functional and was a pile of mess. I felt crappy every single day, it was hard for me to sleep and getting food into my system was the hardest thing to do; I was very demotivated all the time and in fact I could barely do anything due to my physical and mental conditions. The one thing I really wanted to do was to stay in my room and lie on my bed alone, hiding myself from the world.

This is why depression is scary; the emotional burden that you carry makes you want to hide away from everybody else; which is the exact opposite of what you should really do. I’m no psychology expert but I would really love to share my experience on how to “feel better”.

1. Acknowledging that you are depressed

Understanding and acknowledging the fact that you are depressed is the first step to feel better. Stop being in denial any more, if you feel stressed out, unhappy and sad most of the time then you are probably dealing with depression or anxiety at least. A lot of people tends to “make themselves busy” so they could forget about being unhappy but that’s just putting the problems on hold instead of solving it. Trust me, the moment you decide to sit down and admit that you ARE depressed, you have already unloaded a huge load of burden.

2. Identifying the problem

There must be a cause for why you are depressed; be it break ups, addiction, relationship problems, working stress, etc. Only you yourself know the problem, you have to be your own doctor. Diagnose yourself, find out why you are unhappy.

3. Reaching out

You are not alone, there are people that care for you out there.

Go to your friends, or your family, whichever that you are more comfortable with. If it’s a really private matter that you want it to stay a secret, a professional therapist or counsellor could help you. Cost issue? The internet is your best friend. Go on YouTube, forums, blogs and reddits to seek help, there are plenty of people out there that are willing to provide help and advices for free, you just have to reach out for them.

4. Self-reflection

I agree that time heals; we should always be patient and believe that things will get better eventually. However, time alone is never enough, we also need to rearrange our hopes, dreams and expectation so we can be happy. Friends, family, therapist or internet buddies can only give you useful advices and comfort. The important part is how you change your mindset then clear the root of your problem by stop being stubborn. Think positively, open up yourself to more opportunities and ultimately, be happy.

Fighting Depression

The hardest part of battling depression is to believe that you will be better. I felt lost, didn’t have a purpose in life and just felt like crying all the time. I didn’t think any of these will get better and I once thought “that’s it, that’s just how my life is going to be”. Stop thinking that way and give yourself some credit. Life is too short to be unhappy, open up your mind and be happy instead.

I myself went to the doctor actually. (A normal GP, not a therapist or a specialist) He could easily tell that I am suffering from depression judging from my conditions and thus prescribed me with some medication to help the situation. The medication does wonders, it stops the crazy thoughts I have at night and makes me feel normal so I can go through the day. The clear mind definitely helped me to get some good sleeps and some food into my stomach, allowing me to recover slowly.

My biggest regret was actually shutting people out from my life and wallow in the pool of sadness. If there's one thing that I could go back and tell my depressed self, it would be "Get Help!".

I consider myself to be very lucky actually, an amazing guy came not too long after I've decided to say “goodbye” to my depression. I will not be disclosing him in this blog for his privacy so let’s just call him Nee. Nee is the best thing that happened to me lately, he supported me through my hard times, giving me lots of love & attention. On top of all that goodies, he’s cute :)

I once thought that I can never find love again since I thought Bii was “The One” but that is certainly untrue. The love that Nee gives me is no less than what Bii gave me, more even. Nee is one of the main reasons why I smile (and get upset) nowadays and I can’t express how grateful I am that he’s still by my side despite the tantrums and bullshits I throw at him. It has been a pleasant journey with him so far, there were hard times, but getting over all those bumps only made our bond stronger.

I’m getting side-tracked here. My point is it does get better; you just have to believe that it will get better. I would’ve missed the chance to be with Nee if I refuse to be loved again and that is one thing that I would really hate to miss.

Just because your illness can’t be seen doesn’t make it any less important

Own up to your feelings and deal with them bravely. If you need any sort of help anonymously, I can be contacted through my Facebook inbox, just search up my name in FB (Wee Jia Sheng) and drop me a message.

I would like to end my blog saying a huge thanks to my boyfie, which has been giving me much love and care.

I love you Nee, thanks for making me feel loved & happy everyday xoxo

-Jace #ItGetsBetter

Seriously, don't care so much

This is NOT an emo post; it’s just a post to remind you and me not to care too much.

Be caring and loving, but never care too much or you risk losing happiness until you give up on that particular person.

Don't care too much,

You will be mad when he’s online and not talking to you.

You will be constantly worried if he didn’t reply your message.

You will be affected emotionally by some unintended words.

You will be upset when he’s free and is not spending time with you.

You will lose control of yourself and throw unnecessary tantrums.

You will give so much, but receiving less and less.

You will be doing so much for him that he’s taking them for granted.

You will be tolerating everything he does; his “sorry” will be so frequent that it doesn't even serve its meaning anymore.

You will always sacrifice your own happiness just to make his life easier.

You will be lost without him; your world revolves around him, losing your own principle, emotion, aim or even means to be happy.

You will not be YOU anymore, but an annoying personal maid instead.

There’s a limit of how much you should care.

Of course you care, and you should care since they are your partner. However, some distance, trust and self-principle are a must have in a relationship to keep things healthy.

Give him some space, even your pet dog that gives you unconditional love goes sniffing around and play with other people when you are out for a jog, that doesn’t mean they are not loyal.

Give him a break, you yourself don’t reply to your mom’s messages instantly and that doesn’t mean you don’t love her anymore. Understand that he’s just busy or not in the mood to talk sometimes.

Give him a chance to change. Understand that nobody’s perfect but always make sure that he means every sorry that he says. When it comes to mistakes, forgive instead of forget.

Give yourself some credit. You are not Jesus so there’s no need for you to always be sacrificing yourself for his needs. Be selfish sometimes, you have needs too.

Give yourself an identity. There’s no need to change yourself just to fit into the “best-boyfriend/girlfriend” model. There are always 2 sides for everything; if they love the dramatic and fun you then they need to accept the emo dramas from you as well. This doesn't mean that you should stop improvising yourself and be a better person though!

Defining the limit

It’s always super hard and stressful when the line of such stuff is so ambiguous. “Am I doing too much? Or is it not enough?” We are constantly treading with so much caution just to not disturb the balance. My recent finding to this problem is, treat your partner like how you treat your best friend then top it with an icing of romance.

Silly Shits that we always do together :) #Vain

Think of your best friend now, he/she should be the person that you are most relaxed with other than your partner.

You don’t text them that much, don’t talk as much, don’t meet up as much but you do care a lot about each other.

You respect each other’s time and space, they can go out with other people or even bails out on you last minute. Sure you feel neglected and upset sometimes but you just continue with your own life without thinking much about it. There must be a reason why they bailed on you and you understand it without giving them too much guilt & shit.

There’s no need to tread extra careful around your bestie. Horrible hairs, pyjamas, spectacles, sloppiest sitting position + a tub of ice cream is the best form to hang out as long as both of you are comfortable.

There will be rough times and misunderstandings too. You just yell, chill and apologize. Things will always be fixed after some hugs and a pyjamas + mask & Disney movie session.

There’s no counting or weighing when it comes to helping each other out. We only give necessary amount of help to each other, nothing over the line. Such deeds will always be remembered and reciprocated in the future.

Be your partner’s best friend instead of an “Overly-Attached-Boyfriend/Girlfriend”. Also, be giving but never give in to a relationship, it’s a very unhealthy thing to do and such relationship wouldn't last long.

“Be caring and loving but never forget to be fair to yourself”

-Jace

Be Yourself

Jim Parson aka Sheldon Cooper (gay)

Be warned, this blogpost is going to be a very long and gay rant.

This is not going to be my coming out story. Most of my readers are my close friends so they already got that covered. I've actually written this post with the aims to

1) Let the straight people understand how hard it is to live a gay life

2) Let the closeted gay guys understand that it is okay, you are not alone

I am not saying that life being straight is easy, I am aware of your problems; but how many of you guys truly understand how difficult it is to be a homosexual?

Ellen Page a.k.a. Juno / Shadow Cat (Yup, she's gay)

Being gay is not a choice, not a lifestyle

It annoys me a little when I hear people say things like “try la, try la, belum try belum tau” or “You have yet to meet the right girl, maybe you just need a tomboy”. Seriously peeps, we didn’t really choose to be gay. Do you think that you could ever “try” to be homosexual? If you don’t, then try to understand that it’s hard for us to be heterosexual too. While I agree environment can be a factor that leads to “gayness”, it is scientifically proven that being homosexual is partly due to a gay gene that all gay people share.  (Google it)

Sure we can choose to hide our gay identity and live a straight life. We would probably excel in getting girls than most of the straight guys out there. Most gay guys are sensitive, outspoken, understanding, well-maintained and fun! (That explains why a lot of girls want a gay best friend) But that’s not what we really want since we are sexually attracted to men, not the other way. Girls are like sisters to us, it’s just the same way like how you look at your bros. You have poker night, drink beer and watch sports together but you don’t have sex or date each other.

Matt Bomer (So hot, but yes, gay <3)

Dealing with the rude people

“Homophobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes toward homosexuality. It can normally be expressed as antipathy, contempt, prejudice, aversion, hatred or just fear of the gay people”

- Wikipedia

Seriously, homophobia shouldn’t even be a word because it is just outright offensive. There are many things in this world that you hate/fear but you just don’t simply “phobia-fy” it

 “Is there a phobia of being scared of black people?”

The answer is NO, there’s no such thing as Negrophobia specifically for black people because it is racist, rude, conservative and offensive!

I do not know how bad racism can get (I’m Chinese, we are pretty much made fun by every other race, even by Chinese) but I think they are less disadvantaged compared to the gay people. There are laws and human rights that protect the black people while gay people still suffer from religious discrimination and anti-gay propagandas nowadays.

You could argue with me that gay people are able to get away easily since they are able to conceal their identity as a gay person. “If you don’t tell, they won’t know”. That is true indeed, but do you really think this “flexibility” of concealing we are gay make things easier? Not really.

Ellen Degeneres & Portia 

Living in the Closet

I would prefer some distinctive look for "being gay" rather than it being a concealable trait. (make gay people glow or shine-like-vampires) We have lost a lot of "viable dating options" since a lot of insecure gay guys decide to hide themselves and live in denial. I don't judge them at all because I WAS one of them, sad, scared and ashamed. I had even decided to be forever alone just to hide the fact that I am gay.

I discovered that I was gay a few years back and it was an extremely lonely moment of my life; I felt shitty about it, hated myself for it but what can I do other than keeping this dark secret to myself and continue being “normal”? I had to deal with all these “gay thing” myself because I fear losing everything that I have, my friends, my family and my future once this secret is out.

Why did I come out in the end? What was the trigger? 

I’ve had enough of those days that I have to fight with constant fear and so I started doing my research. I’ve browsed Google, YouTube and realised that there are a lot of people out there, facing the same problems that I have.

I am not alone

I got brave for some reason, and started to have a “I don’t give a F*** anymore” attitude. I was ready to lose everything, my friend, my family and yes, my future because I know this is what I really want, I couldn’t be happy if I need to conceal this part of me for my whole life, it is just too much pressure to keep everything in. I will work harder to find new friends, fight for a better future and also build my own family if that means I do not need to pretend to be someone that I am not anymore. 

The process wasn’t easy, it really wasn’t. It requires a lot a lot of courage, a very strong mind set and also the willingness to lose everything you have and start all over again for something that’s greater. Of course, a touch of faith in your family and friends helps a lot with the process too.

Annie from the League of Legends (That famous pun tho)

Love is not meant to be hid away

Love is a very beautiful thing, just like a flower; it needs to be out there to get some love from the sun, the breeze and the butterflies for it to grow strongly.

It is very, very rare for a gay relationship to last but most people fail to see the real reason behind it. A lot of them just blame it on things like

1.           Non compatible
2.           Lust-at-first-sight
3.           Commitment Issue
4.           Age gap

The list goes on... I won’t say that those are not the problem but let me tell you one common thing that I find in successful gay couples that I know.

They celebrate their love out in the public and gain blessings from their friends and family

Vinny and Luke (I just can't get over how cute they are)

Coming out is a never ending process for the gay people. We never cease the need of coming out, not until we really do shine like vampires. There’s one thing I can assure you though, it does get better. I am lucky myself, my friends gave me the warmest support after they know that I’m gay; while my parents are not happy with the idea, they still acknowledge me as their son, continue to provide me with food, shelter and love. If anything changed after coming out, I felt more bonded to these people than ever because I’ve opened up and be honest with them. Everybody appreciates honesty in this world.

To my fellow gay friends out there that’s still in the closet, don’t come out when you are not ready, but please, don’t have the mind set of “coming out is never an option for me”.

To my straight friends out there, if your friend were to come out to you, they have summoned a great amount of courage to do so. Be nice, they’ve probably assumed the worst to happen but if you offer them some love, they will definitely reciprocate you with tons of them.

To my dear Nee, I know you are going to read this but please don’t feel pressured as I’m not going to force you to French me in front of Dataran Merdeka. We will take baby steps and come out as a couple to your friends and also mine, hopefully we will get some blessings from our friends/family in the future.

Tyler Oakley (The most inspiring and fun gay YouTuber)

I will be ending this blogpost with a quote by Veronica Roth, the author of Divergent.

"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known for the sake of something greater." 

Be Brave #ItGetsBetter

-Jace

Effort

My all time favourite Vlogger, Will and RJ

I’ve been writing about 'moving on' the past few weeks and I figured it’s time for me to get back to my original series (Keys to Sustain a Healthy Relationship). After sharing my thoughts on timing, compatibility, chemistry and also honesty in my previous posts, I would like to bring your attention to the word effort, in this post.

Let’s revisit the house building analogy; compatibility, timing, chemistry, etc… All the things that I’ve mentioned in my previous posts are just the foundation/building blocks, if you may, to build your lifelong happiness. But these alone are not enough. Huge effort is needed to assemble all these building blocks together so we can finally build the perfect relationship that we have always wanted.

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires effort, constant effort actually. Even the most magnificent building requires patch up, brush up and some tinkering from time to time to maintain its glory. However, don’t be taken aback by the idea because this “effort” that we are talking about is nothing stressful like doing homework or rushing to meet a deadline. Putting effort into your relationship simply means spending time with your love ones, time that both of you enjoy spending together.

A lot of couples tend to get too comfortable with each other after a while and forget the need of being romantic or spending quality time with each other. This normally happens after the honeymoon phase where fights and arguments start to pop up more frequently. One side of the couple will start to freak out, thinking that things aren’t the same anymore or the person that they fell in love with has changed. Truth is, maybe they didn’t change at all - they just got too comfortable with you and forgot the need to “be nice”.

Affection vs Obligation

Both affection and obligation are necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. Don’t say things like “I want him to do it because he wants to and is willing to do it himself, not because I ask him to.” One cannot base their relationship solely on affection since the feeling of love subsides overtime. (#Fact) Think of affection as a water tank that fills up very slowly, it will be drained quickly if you were to rely solely on it. This is why we need an extra faucet (obligation) to draw water from and all you need to do is to turn it on/off at times. Remind yourself to treat your lover well from time to time, let them know they are loved even when you’re terribly busy; likewise, if you feel “mistreated”, don’t be afraid to give them a kick since most of the time they are just blunt or have been too busy (lazy).

Keeping the romance alive (Inspired by RJ)

Keeping the romance alive is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Why?  Because rough times are inevitable in a relationship; There will be disagreements, fights, shouting, heart breaks & PMS (you girls still rock though); There will be days that you are already stressed out about your job but your partner just won’t let you off the hook from an argument; There will be nights where you just want to sleep after a long day but you couldn’t, knowing your partner might be sobbing on the other side of the bed; There might even be times where you think about things like “Why am I even with this *****?!” and this is when effort comes to the rescue.

I have an imaginary score board for my boyfie that works exactly like how it works in the Harry Potter series; “Brilliant Granger! 10 points to Gryffindor!”, “Do not talk back to me, Potter, 20 points from Gryffindor.” I award points to my boyfie every time he does something nice to me, be it sending a sweet morning message, giving me massages or taking me out on romantic dates but I also take points off the board when he does stupid things like being late, text-driving and when we have arguments.

It is vital to keep the scoreboard positive, just like your bank account so you will have some cash for withdrawal during an emergency. Save some good memories so you still have something to hold on to when the bad times happen. For the most times it’s not that you don’t love each other anymore, it’s just that life got into the way. People often juggle with life responsibilities like studies, friends, work, bills or children that they forgot the need to make a deposit in the “relationship bank”, only to realize it running low when they need to make the ugly but necessary withdrawals.

Make Time

To have time is to make time, nobody is really too busy for their love ones. Set up some sort of rules to have romantic dates once in a while. Go to the movies, have a picnic or just snuggle up and watch Real Housewives of Atlanta together before going to sleep. Maintaining a healthy relationship is really all about gaining more points than losing them. So, if you are in a relationship, keep in mind to provide your partner with more than just affection, see them as one of your obligation too. Do your best to make them feel happy and loved every day, all the deeds that you have done will return in your favour someday.

“Make an effort to put a smile on his (her) face and you will be rewarded by a bigger smile”

Jace

Thanksgiving

This is not going to be a normal post where I talk about relation-shit and heartbreaks. I'm writing this post with the purpose of giving my gratitude to those who have helped me with my blog posts. Do read all the way just in case you miss your name, don't stop after you've found yours too, there's more than just thanks in this post. (If you didn't find your name and demand recognition, text me, blog posts are editable)

The first person I would like to mention will be Keith. I myself have terrible English since it’s actually my secondary language. Keith can be thought as my Blog's editor since he’s the one that's behind all the editing of my blog. Keith fixes my spelling errors, punctuations, wordings and even sentence structures (sometimes) that make this blog actually readable. Besides that, Keith has also been very supportive of me in writing, moving on and any other aspects of my life. I will remember all those stuff that you've done for me Keith, thank you very much! <3

Besides Keith, I would also like to give my thanks to my close group of friends. To name a few, my Chem gang (Sophia, Jian, CL), Hui Min, Jerry, YKuin, Agnes, XiangYin, Alex, CY, CaMun & ZhiHong. You people are so encouraging and gave me so much love when I'm down. All of you are awesome people and I have to be really honest here, I would not have known what to do without your support during my hard times. I know it’s extremely cheesy for me to say this, but I love you and it’s really a pleasure to have you in my life.

My BFF XinLing deserves her own paragraph as well. Unlike the others, she doesn't give me much support by giving me feedbacks and comments about the blog. (I don’t even think she reads my blogposts at all) However, she has been an awesome best friend by constantly slapping the back of my head and telling me to wake up. A lot of the contents of my blog post were inspired by what both of us have been through and also by her wise words. You don’t need a thank you Ling, you know I love you heapsss and I miss you like hell already, come back and give me a hug you rich bitch!

Of course, I have to give a huge thanks to the people who are reading my blog, I could name some of you that liked the links that I shared. (Carmen, Daphne, Philby, Tiera, WenLiang, Kai, JiShawn, Esther & HuiYen) Also, I can't forget to give credits to Ethan & Aaron for being such a cute gay couple and allowing me to feature their faces on my blog post! I started my blog in secrecy but people have been asking me to make it public and so I did, gladly. I've never thought that my blog will hit hundreds of views (I was aiming for 10+ initially). It actually gave me the motivation to write more and provide my readers with better contents. All of these wouldn't be happening without the support of you all.

Lastly, I would like to give thanks to Bii, the one true love of my life. I've never experience the word “Love” like how I did before I met you. Our love was like fireworks - very, very beautiful but also dissipated quickly . It was very, very painful to watch you go but you gave me the best 3 months of my life. If there was a time machine where I could go back in time, I would gladly go through all the pain again and again just to relive the moments that we had together. You've taught me so much that I would never have learnt or truly experienced by reading novels or watching chick flicks. For that, and all the love that you gave me, I would like to say thank you Bii, you’re the best! I love you and of course, all the best with *you-know-who* ;)

On a side note, I am starting a new chapter of my life now as an openly gay blogger. No more 'desperate for relationship Jason', no more 'hide in the closet Ted' and no more 'casual flirtatious Jia Sheng'. I've decided to commit to nothing else but my own happiness for now, that is until my next prince charming comes into my life and sweep my feet off the ground. (Not that hard, I'm only 60kgs, audition is available now) I'm also going to start my new “life” with a new nickname, Jace as I reckon it has a nice ring that’s similar to JS.

Yup, I just made you read all these sh*t to make a point that I'm changing my name, you are welcome :)

Sincerely though, Thank you

Jace

                                                                                      

Filling The Void

A very scary part of breaking up is how much void the one that you love leave behind. You used to text him day and night; go out with him on Friday nights. Calls him on skype cause you miss him; hang up but the heat stays within. Now that he’s gone, all you can do is stare at his WhatsApp last seen to check how he has been, only to find that he’s constantly online and it hurts deep within.

Having voids like that are unavoidable and I’m not just talking to the people that just broke up with their significant other. I’m also looking at you peeps that are transitioning out from the honeymoon phase. You don’t get texts as often anymore, don’t hang out as much anymore and maybe don’t even kiss each other that frequent anymore. But trust me, some voids in a relationship are healthy, it gives you some personal time and space to do your own “thang” and a chance for your love one to actually miss you.

Disconnect and Reconnect

Ever had issues with slow internet and unstable connections? You do all the things to diagnose the problem like close down some useless tabs, check the Wi-Fi signal, scan your computer for viruses or just scream at your housemates for streaming/downloading “movies”. There’s a high chance that even after you do all the things mentioned before, you are still stuck with the sucky internet. So what do you do then? You disconnect the router; let it rest for like 10 seconds then reconnect it again. (That normally does the trick but if it’s still not fixed, go screw your ISP)

We all know that resetting the router is one of the most effective ways to fix bad connections but why do we still do all sorts of other stuff before doing so? There’s only 1 reason, lazy. We are lazy to get our ass up from the comfortable chair, walk all the way to the router to reset it. Same goes to a broken relationship, people are lazy at putting the effort to disconnect from their ex-es and so they choose to dwell instead. I’m not judging you, I was one of the “people”.

Filling the void starts with the word disconnect. I might be conflicting myself here because I’ve been saying that you can keep the love, blah blah… I’m not asking you to throw away or delete everything you have, just try to put it aside and disconnect yourself from him for a while. It is painful, it is difficult but do summon the will power to do it, it gets better. What I am going to say is going to sound crazy but it really did help me. Disconnect yourself from the internet, really.

By not having internet you’ve cut numerous ways of you knowing anything about him. No Facebook, no Instagram, no WhatsApp, no Skype, no Viber and no gay YouTubers to rub their sweet, sweet love in your face. That leave you with even more voids now, you’ve just lost a boyfie and now you lose Internet too but don’t panic, there are plenty of stuff that you can do.

This is where the word reconnect comes in. No, not reconnecting with him but a lot of other stuff. First on the list, family; Think about the times when you were attached, you have been cutting out quality family time to hang out with your boyfie haven’t you. When was the last time you went grocery shopping with your parents, gossip with your sisters or game with your bros? Time to do all those again and you will be surprised by how much love you are able to get from your family.

Then we go to our friends, you’ve got to admit that you’ve been slacking on them too. The usual Friday game nights were replaced by date nights, Saturday brunches turned into double date picnics, you even said no to clubs and parties just to cuddle with your boyfie in bed and browse YouTube. Shave your face, wax the hair, put on a nice dress shirt and have some fun out there instead of sobbing at home.

“You shouldn't depend on someone else to make you happy, 

learn how to be happy by yourself”

- HM

That quote was nothing but a joke to me years ago. You know how people make fun of lines like “Beauty lies within”, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? Yeah, I felt nothing but petty about being happy alone, thinking that’s for the crazy cat ladies just like how the 2 lines mentioned before were meant for the unattractive people. However, it is kinda true as one of the most important things to do after a break up is to reconnect with yourself.

Do what you love, best if it doesn’t involve the use of internet. Go out hiking, gym, sports, sing, dance, pick up an instrument, draw, punch, kick, whatever that you like to do that you stopped/reduced doing ever since you got attached. Don’t be afraid of doing anything alone, be it dining at a restaurant, watching a movie at the cinema or even travelling. Ling has been travelling alone lately and I can only see how much she enjoys making some crazy spontaneous decisions like sky diving, helping children and also deep sea diving. Reconnecting with yourself makes you a lot happier and also stronger. You will realise how much fun you can have without the need of others and be surprised by how strong you can be as the pain fades away.

Lastly, consider reconnecting with him; and do that only if he’s willing to and you want to. What’s passed, passed; I'm not saying that this is necessary but you yourself could judge whether that person is still worthy of the friendship. However, things didn't work out last time for some reason and you should constantly remind yourself that if the reason still exists, what happened will only happen again. So, keep things casual and save yourself from a round 2 heart break.

I guess my main message of this post is about getting up and loving thyself. Remember, people are going to stop loving you if you refuse to love yourself. Does it ever stop hurting? I don't think so but I can promise you that the pain won't be the same as time goes. Do me a favour, if you read this far, find something that have your reflection in it and say (in your brain if you’re in public)

“I love you and I’m sorry for the shits that I’ve put you through”

I'm obsessed with this song lately, its written and sung by one of my favourite YouTuber Anna. I could actually relate to the lyrics and also the final sob at the end of the video. What made it even more awesome? Anna picked herself up, smiled and threw a Fuckkkkk at the end of the video.

I've been waiting far too long

I've been singing this same old song

Time to pick myself up from the floor

I'll be okay when I walk out the door

P/S, Reconnect to the internet too, so you can read more of my blogposts.

Good Luck

Js

Letting Go

I have been struggling with the concept of moving on for about 2 months now. However, some things had happened recently and I finally have the courage to start marching forward and leave the swamp of sorrow.

Everyone deals with moving on differently. I have friends that can handle a bad relationship in days, some do it in weeks, months and some of my friends are still struggling from moving on even after years since their past relationship.

There is no need for me to tell you that dwelling in a lost relationship causes great pain; I myself suffered from insomnia, eating disorder, emotional breakdown, anxiety and also depression (the kind that needs medication). Despite those side effects of love, I consider myself very lucky. I have the supports from my friends & family during the hard times; medications numb my emotions, enabling me to perform at work and interviews; Bii on the other hand gave me all the time I needed to slowly phase out from the past, while also providing me with help and care along the way.

Enough about me, let’s talk about “Moving On” now. I used to see the phrase moving on as stop loving.

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.

The lyrics say it all. Stop letting the feelings in; conceal them, don’t let the others know; let it go, let it go. In other words, moving on simply means don’t think about that person anymore, stop loving him/her; forget about the past and work on a better future.

I did well moving on from my past relationships but not this one. I’ve tried, many, many times to put a stop on it just to end my misery but all my efforts backfired. Every time I stop contacting him, I check his social media twice as often; I’ve tried making myself busy at work to stop thinking about bii but all the thoughts that were put on hold crashes back into my brain the moment I put my work down. I can never block his contact for more than 24 hours because I will miss him like crazy, end up unblocking him then text him back in desperation. These were the reasons why I'd rather dwell in a lost relationship than forget about him and move on.

“Can you please just STOP HURTING ME!”

My BFF (Ling) texted me that when I was telling her one of my sad stories. Every word from that sentence hit me hard. It made me realise that I wasn’t the only victim that’s hurting from all the dwelling. My friends, my best friend, my family and Bii were also suffering from my misery. That made me realise that I can’t let this shit go any longer, but how? I was nowhere ready to give up what I have; the memories, the good times, the kisses, the morning and night greetings, etc…

Moving On =/= Stop Loving

Love is not exclusive; everyone is capable of loving more than one person. I am not asking you to be a mega-flirt or cheat on your spouse, it’s just that I realised that love doesn’t disappear once it really happens; it just changes its form over time to suit the situation.

I have changed my definition of moving on from “stop loving” to “giving myself a second chance” and things got a lot easier since then. Moving on doesn’t mean that I need to give up what I had with Bii, I can still keep the memories, reminisce and still love him, but not in the way like how we practiced it before. I just need to tone down my love for him and give him the care and love like how I treat my other friends and Ex-es. Loving a new guy that comes into my life doesn’t mean I have to stop loving Bii either. Yes, you CAN and you DO love multiple people in your life (Parents, friends, Ex-es). If you were to ask me “Why would anyone wants to be your boyfriend since you love everybody?” The answer is simply because my special guy will have my lifelong loyalty, commitment and tons of love that nobody else is going to get.

Fear

The more we love, the more we fear. Fear is the one thing that we need to overcome in order to move on.

The fear of losing the loved one, the fear of rejection, the fear of letting people down, the fear of not finding love anymore, the fear of being alone… These fears limit our sight and our ability to see into the future. There was a period in my life when I was constantly in fear of losing Bii that I don’t even want to think or plan for tomorrow.  I lived everyday as it is, enjoying the moment while it lasts and refused to think about the future.

The scariest part of fear is that it takes faith, hope, dreams and expectations away from our life. While living the moment sounds like a legit motto for life, it is also an excuse for people to be lazy, avoid necessary planning while destroying hopes, dreams, ambitions and also the future.

Good Bye

Do not be afraid to say Good Bye. Good Bye doesn’t only mean the end; it is also a step that everyone has to go through before the next Hello comes by. End your current misery fashionably so you can welcome the next “Hello” into your life.

Will I find a better guy in the future? Will my next hello be The One? Will Bii live happily without me?

I really don’t know, but I do know that if I don’t say good bye to Bii now, I am going to miss out on a lot of “Hello”s in my life and so I’ve finally decided to let go, have faith and hope for a better future for me and him both.

Hey, Bii might even come and say “Hellooooo” in the future, who knows?

Good Bye Bii, Hello Me

Good Luck

Js